review of 300

I plopped down into my seat, ready to endure the series of inane movie trivia that usually precedes the feature.  There was none.  Surely there would be some sort of pre-show admonishment…you know, turn off your cell phone, put your feet down, don’t smoke, don’t yell “FIRE!“, yadda yadda.  Lately they’ve been doing it with animated characters, which was cute for the first 2 seconds of the first time I saw it.

They slipped it in there all right, but this time it was in the form of a short film I’ve entitled “Why You Suckers Just Paid $11.50 For A Movie Ticket.”  Local TV news personalities from Channel 3 described to me in detail the IMAX Movie Experience, including the exact dimensions of the screen in front of me, the fact that IMAX film is strong enough to tow a car, and several other things I don’t care about.

After that gripping preview, I was more ready than ever to watch some high-tensile-strength film.  The comic-book-come-to-life imagery flashed onto the screen, and I prepared myself to experience something that “isn’t just a movie, it’s the next step in filmmaking.”

It may or may not be the next step in filmmaking, but it is most certainly just a movie.

Granted, I did get to see a lot of great action sequences, fantastic cinematography, and — thanks to IMAX — breasts that were approximately the size of a Geo Metro.  My complaint is that it turned out to be really, really boring.  With all the hype and Warner Bros.’ sweet web site for the movie, I was expecting to be blown away.  It was graphically violent, and it’s a compelling story, but it didn’t stir my emotions at all.

The audience is told repeatedly of the bravery and valor of the 300 Schpottans, but not shown in any compelling way.  Okay, we get it.  Everyone is Schpotta is a badass.  After that point was quite soundly made, I spent the last half of the movie wondering if anything interesting or new would happen, aside from enemies with different costumes approaching the mounting wall of slain Persians.

You can expect to see a lot of cutting, stabbing, shoving, slicing, eviscerating, decapitating, and even some fornicating if you go to this movie.  If you watch it on the IMAX screen, you can expect to pay $11.50 for what the good folks at Star Cinema must consider to be quite a privilege.  Expect to spend the first 5 minutes of it being told why you should think IMAX is just as impressive as they do.